FINDING MEANING IN LOVE

When you have been single for too long, you become very comfortable and okay with your space; doing things by yourself and whenever you want to. You can make very random decisions such as traveling out of the country or changing jobs. You become very choosy with whom you let in and protective over those you love because you know what it is like when pain takes charge. If you still don’t get it, let me paint a picture for you through Suzan’s love life.

Suzan has been single for many years now and has almost forgotten what love feels like. Her past relationships left her scarred for life and scared her of dating. She now loves from a safe distance and once in a while flirts with the good looking guys who seem interested just to keep the fire burning. The real reason, however, is she would rather love from a distance than be vulnerable again on her way to a broken heart. She puts up a strong show and portrays a very strong personality outside which most times scares the bad boys away whom she has been very fond off in her past and that scares her a little because she has come to believe that is all she will ever get. That the good guys belong to a different caliber of women and that she is under a spell of only the bad boys, who are very good looking but can never love a deserving woman like her.

When she is all alone at her place, especially during the long cold nights when she is unwell but has to get up and fix the broken sink; the bulb; operate the TV manually now that the remote is lost in there somewhere and at the same time, make some soup, take her medication and still draw the curtains back, switch off all the lights before she tucks in. Meanwhile, her very Dramatic Boss is waiting for her to respond to some clients on the other side of the World and don’t give a sneeze over different Timezones.

On such nights, her pillow gets socked from all her tears and wishful thinking. She knows too well she cannot cry the next morning because she needs to look stronger than ever and even a little bitchy if that keeps off the Bad boys and nosy colleagues in the office who cannot stop asking her when she is getting married or having babies so she could join their glamorous Chama and Sunday Nyama Choma and BYOB shenanigans. She cannot be weak in front of them because that would destroy and break her into pieces she may not be able to fix back. Her tears are for her 8 White pillows ONLY! She knows she is not the problem and she recognizes very well that she is just unlucky as far as relationships are concerned. None of them has any idea what she has been through and I’m about to share her story with you.

She wasn’t always lonely. Suzan has been lucky finding love before, it just doesn’t last long for her. Back in High School, she was head over heels with a good looking, God Fearing guy who also loved to Dance. They loved each other so beautifully until he proved to be a Bad Boy. She then fell in love with another guy and it was pure bliss but that also did not last because fate had it differently.

She joined a reputable University and had her whole life planned, but the love bit was still as shaky as before and she knew there wasn’t lots of lack down that road. So, she fell in love with her books and the academic promises she made to her Dad who was looking forward to a huge Graduation Ceremony afterward. In her second year, Suzan met a guy she met online and soon after their first meeting, they were in a relationship. He was from a different religion but he ticked all her other boxes and not even Religion would come between them. They shared two years of love and everything beautiful. They would go out to dine and have fun- Suzan with her wine and shots of Tequila and her man with his Shisha. He would visit her sometimes after work as he was already working for a Magazine. Her story changed when her best friend moved in with her. She introduced them to each other; one thing led to another, they got out of control and had sex.  She was so in love with the guy and this betrayal was too much too bear. She was hurt to the core. After 2 ½ years, Suzan had so much planned for them. She did not even know who hurt her the most between her best friend and who she thought was the love of her life. Unbearable pain but Suzan had to learn to live without her BFF and her boyfriend overtime.

It took her some time but she was open to love again 2 years later when she met a guy at one of her usual Karaoke hangouts. It was love at first sight. Her confidence, irresistible laughter, and Angelic voice won him over. Besides his witty Pick-up line, he was a Pilot, she was an adventurous explorer and she loved that. He asked to dance, she said yes and many dates followed. Two years later, Suzan was excited that she had finally found the one and that this time luck was on her side. As if fate wouldn’t let her, on one of their routine lunch dates, the guy broke sad news about having a 3-year-old Son and recently making peace with the Baby Mama. She would have taken care of his son. She would have been delighted to do that but No, he did not want her anymore. His face lit up when he spoke about his Baby Mama, she was his World now and Suzan knew there was nothing much to do about it. Suzan was heartbroken for months but she eventually moved on and focused on her career.

Suzan grew very skeptical of men and relationships. But yet again, she kept giving love a chance because she was hopeful that there was still someone out there for her. Yet again, during one of her random road trips, she met a very charming, witty and charismatic guy. She liked that he kept checking on his mum who was unwell then. Suzan had a close relationship with her mum so, she found that to be very attractive. Unfortunately for her, he was a full-blown Mama’s Boy who would not do anything without his mum. Not one thing. Mama had to approve just about everything: Moving houses; Color on the walls; birthday surprises; gifts; traveling… you name it. How does a relationship move forward if Mama has to be consulted over everything? She held on for a year but the break-up was inevitable. Despite his caring heart and polite nature, she couldn’t stomach everything else.

Her family and friends think she is very ‘Picky’ and ‘Selective’ about guys. To Suzan, they do not struggle; they just cross paths with their Partners and Boom! Babies and a happy marriage follows. They must be so lucky that every time they fall out of love, there is undying love waiting on the other side. “How lucky they must be” she wonders. She cannot even find one guy, just ONE GUY to be happy with. Her relationship status changes often with the next episode being worse than the previous one.

Suzan could no longer see Love for what it is. To her, love is unattainable. She does not really understand love and love does not get her either. Imagine getting lost all alone in The Grand Canyon,  your backpack fell off the cliff with everything in it, it’s getting dark and you know very well Hypothermia would kill you at night without something to keep you warm. That is what love to Suzan. Suzan wants to find love so bad but she has already convinced herself that she is among the few women who never find their ‘Happy Ever After’ with a man. That is why she tries to fix everyone else’s relationship because she knows just what is missing and how that can be resolved quickly so the two love birds can fall back to their Fairytale and not end up as lonely. Sometimes, she is fixing all these relationship problems because she does not want her friends thinking she is jealous of them and what they have going.

She is now contented with her happiness and peace of mind. She has become a career woman who would spend over 18 hours working and she would still miss her desk while in her very comfortable Bed as there is nothing there for her but not so exciting thoughts. Her daily moves are quite predictable- Work- sleep-work with a pinch of fun. However, a part of her hopes that love will find its way to her in time and that it’ll cover up for all the lost time. The good thing is she has found peace within herself, I wish that she finds love again and be at peace with that love.